Dear Mother Father Everything God,
Please Deliver us from mediocre white men.
Normally, I would believe that to be a powerful enough prayer but Uncle was a real down home praying Pastor and he taught us to be very specific in our prayer. He spoke about the time he prayed for you to keep death in front of him and next thing he knew people all around him were dying left and right. It is with that in mind that I come to you with this very specific prayer. A petition so powerful that it would shake the foundation our lives and world.
Lawd, this trifling, scallywag of a man Bill O’Reilly had the nerve to come for our church auntie Maxine Waters. Lawd, he had the nerve to try and ruin her good name and credit by disrespecting her crown in glory. Now we know fatha that Bill O’Reilly don’t know not nary a thang about black hair let alone black women’s hair. Hell, clearly, he don’t know much about white hair either judging by that comb over that looks more like a dried-out wheat field on his head. Lawd, he barely has enough hair to warrant using them little baby combs that they use to give you on elementary school picture day yet he still thought he could talk about some hair. Not only did he talk about Auntie Maxine’s hair but this mealy-mouthed fool tried to invoke Godfather James Brown to do it. I know that wherever JB is in the heavenlies that he wasn’t having it.
Bill didn’t know what he was doin Lawd. He didn’t know that once you insult a black woman’s hair some little flimsy apology isn’t gonna get it. He didn’t know that he was gonna need Jesus to climb down off the cross to save him. He didn’t know that he was gonna need The Blood, not some blood, but The Blood that reaches to the highest mountain to flow down to him and save his sorry ass. He didn’t know Lawd that you don’t insult a black woman’s hair unless you are truly ready to fight. You don’t do that unless you have the wherewithal to stand said fight. And if there is one thing that I know it is that his sorry ass who don’t stand on shit but the sharp blade or racism and white supremacy doesn’t have the power to take on might Auntie Max.
Auntie Max who struck down another mediocre man who has come to us in the form of a Cheeto. She has not only refused to acknowledge him as the 45th president, but she has invoked every single bit of shade stored over from every church mother, district missionary, Baptist deaconess, mean usher, bitter evangelist and prophetess that has ever come through the Baptist/COGIC/FULL GOSPEL/METHODIST/EPISCOPAL Church on the side of the road. She gleaned the power of every side eye, every snapped neck, every evil eye, every shhh you’re in church and tossed it in his direction with just the flick of her eye as if to say there is more where that came from. And I have mustard seed faith that she has enough left for O’Reilly’s sorry ass.
For far too long, Fatha, we have sat and watched as these white men with little knowledge and little credentials huffed and puffed about everything and nothing. As they stomped around with little more than nepotism and entitlement issues to prop up their frail egos. We saw how this wacked out entitlement caused our on again of again boo-friend Hillary to lose her job to that same Cheeto who can’t even master the English language let alone running a country. And I mean that bigly. We may not always like Hillary. But Lawd, we know a snake in the garden when we see one. Clearly, the mothers, daughters and wives of the mediocre men don’t. But I digress.
For too long we have had to deal with them trying to fix and shift and old people into what THEY thought acceptable. For too long have we had to look at their raggedy faces with their snarled up as they fought and kicked like kindergartners to maintain the tiers of oppression that their grandfathers and great-grandfathers created to sooth the sorry ass egos. We have watched them shoot and murder with impunity. We have endured their saved assaults on our communities. We have watched them try to control our bodies and our living conditions. As a people, we have been battered and beaten in the name of men who cry themselves to sleep every night because the coloreds and the women don’t understand that only mediocre white men can save them. We have survived as they sold theories and tropes to their wives and daughters about these savage monsters that they must control in order to protect them. All while perpetuating unchecked violence on everyone including those same wives and daughters.
We need ya power Lawd. We can’t fight this battle alone for we know that the prayers of the righteous availeth much. And ain’t nothing more righteous then an Auntie’s bump and curl. We come to you asking that you rid us of these men that come before us with flimsy brains and big mouths. We ask you grant us the power to rock the foundation of white supremacy, indignation and privilege that they find as their only source of the foolery that comes out of their mouths. We also ask you do like you did for the Israelites and part the sea of white tears father! So, that we can walk right in the promised land! Free from the oppression of these ignant ass men who are so scared that someone will wield a power greater than their own that they continue to spew hate father. Bind their tongues Lawd! Cause we know they don’t have shit to say anyway.
Now onto him that is able to keep us from falling, we give you the honor and praise because we already know it is down. In the powerful name of black lesbian Jesus, we pray.
Thank You, God! Amen and so it is!